whats going on today

today is Sunday April 18th and a lot has changed since i have last posted. i have been off my game that last couple of weeks and I'm trying to get back on track and one of those things is to start blogging again. well to start i finally got my social security card and ID. its taken me months to do this so I'm glad that it is done and over with. Ive gotten a lot done with my event line thinking tasks and my list of things i need to do to get off the farm. some of the things that i marked of were getting a job. I now work at McDonald's. the second shift I really don't like my manager Reba its pretty apparent that she doesn't like me either. but something im learning hows to do is deal with some of the crap she deals out. i get paid and the 6th and 21st of each month and i already started paying off chris some of the money I owe him. its nice to be heading in the right direction. hopefully in a couple of months ill have everything paid off. I'm still dealing with a lot of rotten feelings but I'm taking it one day at a time. another good thing that is happening is that I'm finally registered for classes. Im starting out with two. intro to computers and expository writing. i took expository writing last time and i did not do so well. but im confident with the way things are going that it will work out this time. im so happy that things are going in the right direction. we will see how things turn out. im on my way to good things. im going to try my best to blog everyday. but i don't know what im going to fell like. I'm having some trouble with my roommates. i like them but some times theirs only so much shit one person can take. things will get easier when i start going to school though and all that stuff. Wayne is being a jerk and i don't know i to deal with all that i think he's just mad that he's moving on and doesn't know how to deal with his emotions.

third wish: talking to the dead

the third and final wish that i had for the event line thinking was to be able to talk to the dead. this is something that is close to my heart because there are two people in my life that i have lost at a young age. the one that has effected me the most when i was a kid was the loss of my father. I have always wanted to know so much about him and i never got the chance to do that because he died when i was four. my fathers death effected my family of sever tremendously. my sister and my twin brother and i were to young at the time to fell the full effects of the lass but my three older siblings were the one's who really felt the pain of this loss. it brought our family really close together.My mother was left alone with six kids and she was running her own jewelry business. I never knew what it was like to have a true father figure until the age of ten when my mother remarried to a guy named mark merrill. but why i wish i could talk to the dead because i would ask and talk to my birth father about his life and addiction so i could better understand myself. 'what i do know about him was that he was a drunk. i would ask him what his relationship was with his family was like and how difficult was it to get his life together. I wish he could tell me more about our family history so i could better understand myself. the real reason that i wanted to talk to the dead was to be able to talk to my mom who died when i was 19. this for me would mean so much because i have a lot of guilty and remorse built into my moms death. this is going to start at the beginning so i don't miss anything for myself. i really don't know where to start because there is so much i feel i did to hurt her. i think i it all started when i started smoking pot at the end of my sophomore year.It went all down hill from there, my mom was always very generous and always make sure that i had money in my pocket. I i was always able to have money to buy that bag of pot to smoke and thats what was the breaking point for my addiction. I had full time jobs in high school and all my money went to my addiction. but i still used her more then i ever should. wile my addiction was at full force i became a very selfish person and really only cared about myself. I became very mean to her because of my selfish ways. when i went to college i was very in to the social scene. I had no time for her and she was at her greatest need. She past away before i ever had the chance to tell her how much i loved and cared about her. if i could talk to her now I would tell her how sorry i was

todays things i needed to do

today I had a very good meeting with my therapist trevor. we talk about different ways i can control my thoughts. because lately i have been having many unhappy thoughts that always seemed to turn my feelings and moods sour. but i convinced myself that i need to focus on the things i need to do and not let my thoughts get complicated. here is my list for today.

1. make bed - fold laundry
2. call sponsor - victor
3. my daily reflections in journal
4. shower - brush teeth
5. write letters-aunt amy
6. put Codwell ID on schedule
7. daily emailing and blogging
8. social security info
9. guitar session with will
10. get info for transcript
11. get address for codwell community college
12. do 4 sets of push ups/5 sets of the bar/4 sets of AB roller

these are the things that are keeping me busy today and keeping me out of trouble i know i could think of more useful things to-do. I'm having lots of trouble finding more things to do. some of the things that might not happen is a guitar session with will. even though i want to learn how to play the guitar its hard for me to get into it like will. I also procrastinate about writing letters to my family members. partly because its hard for me to find things to say. but I'm going to try my best to finish the one i started to aunt amy. I also need to Blog my third wish

daily schedual and stuff

to day i went to go get new cloths with chris and got some of the stuff i needed. recently i have been making a daily list and was told that i needed to write about what i did that day. here is my list for today.

1. make bed - laundry
2. call sponsor - victor
3. journal - daily reflections for AA
4. Shower - brush teeth
5. write letters - aunt suzan
6. Put ID card on schedule
7. emailing & blogging
8. guitar sesion with will
9. info on social security card
10. 5 sets of my weight bar work out/4 sets of roller abs/ three sets of push ups

these are the things i plan on doing to day and I'm usually pretty good about doing them some of of the things that i might not do is the push ups and the guitar session i will if i have time.

to be able to teleport

My second wish that i chose for the event line thinking group was to be able to teleport.I have always wanted to see the world. to see all the great mysteries the earth has to offer. to be in one part of the world on one moment and at a different part at the next moment. I have only been in the united states and i know there is so much more out there. I know i would have a great and true understanding on how the world truly was.to know the different kinds of people and the different ways they lived there lives. the power of being every where at once would allow me to do whatever i wanted and not be restricted like the rest of the human race was. another reason is that i would never have to be some where i didn't want to be. to be able to leave at any time and not have to be places that made me unhappy. to always know i could always run away if i didn't like being where i was. my life so far has been ful of places that i didn't want to be. like being across the country wile my mom was dieing and i could not do anything to save her. to be helpless. not being able to be the strong man i needed to be for my mom. Only if i could of been there when she needed me the most. I wish i could of been therefor her the instant she needed me the most. also like being in a rehab with nowhere to go and no way to get the where ever i could go. to feel powerless and have no control over what and where i wanted to be. or when ever i was sad or lonely i could go to the places where i felt happy and at home like Portland Oregon. to never have to fell sad or angry ever again. i would be able to make and have as much money as i need and never worry about not having the things i wanted. I could always be with the people i loved even if they were a thousand miles apart. I also could help or rescue the people i cared about they would never have to be alone. I could be where ever i was happy. to live in the moment and not have to worry about how i will live tomorrow. where I'll go or who i wanted to be would be at my disposal with out working myself to the bone to get there. wouldn't it be nice if that were true. that is why being able to Telaport would be the greatest.

controling the elements

yesturday i had to share my fantacy wishes in the event line thinking group. and im starting to realize how close to my heart those wishes were. my first wish was that i wanted to control the elements. i think one of the reasons i wish this so much because i have a larg facination with the natural world and why things are the way they are and if i new how to control the elements then i would have a great understanding on how the world worked and then i could posibly do something to change the filth and decay that are race has inflicted on our wonderful world. to find a way to change our race to live a different way. in out of all the mysteries in the world we have found the least healthy way to live with the enviorment. I would invent a healthy and natural way to give energy to our way of life. also with that kind of power of the elements i could intervene with the fighting nations and convince or force them to find peace. to show them to not use natural resources and a better way to live in peace. I could also solve world hunger by being able to grow food at a unatural rate so i could take a lot of the worlds suffering away. before i got hevily into drugs i cared so much about the people around me. and i wanted to do whatever i could to help them. i always wanted to be the one people came to for help when they were in the trouble. to be the hero that people needed. and i lost all that when i only cared about myself and what drug i was going to do next. but now that i have a little bit of time sober i've started to realize is thats what i wanted when I was younger and i lost that along the way. I also would love to have that kind of power that no one else had. to be the most powerful and the most loved and feared. to convince the people to love and care for each other instead of hate and killing. to be the difference between life and death. I also would be able to feel the pain of the earth cause i could completely understand it's mysteries. To bring it back to the way it was before the human race took control of the world.Then we would not have to worry about global warming and natural disasters that might destroy all that we have worked so hard to build. even though we are full of hate and violence. we have the capacity to love and care more than any living thing. But we waste it on our selfish desires and i feal that its going to be our demise. thats why i would want to control the elements. to change our races biggest problems.

learning to cope

To day i just started my meds and I'm surprised how well it is working for me. I have already done most of the things on my list today. my list is the following

• clean room-make bed
• do laundry
• Blog/journal/and start a live journal
• work out
• finish writing a letter to mt grandmother
• do the dishes in the dishwasher

I am excited about this new blog and im hoping to do it every day. I wanted to talk about my assignment at the event line meeting with Trever. I was asigned to think of three wishes that i would make if there was such a thing as a genie. they were

• control to elements
• telaport anywhere in the world
• speak with the dead

I will blog what Trevor and i talk about why i chose these and what it means when I talk to him on thursday.