third wish: talking to the dead

the third and final wish that i had for the event line thinking was to be able to talk to the dead. this is something that is close to my heart because there are two people in my life that i have lost at a young age. the one that has effected me the most when i was a kid was the loss of my father. I have always wanted to know so much about him and i never got the chance to do that because he died when i was four. my fathers death effected my family of sever tremendously. my sister and my twin brother and i were to young at the time to fell the full effects of the lass but my three older siblings were the one's who really felt the pain of this loss. it brought our family really close together.My mother was left alone with six kids and she was running her own jewelry business. I never knew what it was like to have a true father figure until the age of ten when my mother remarried to a guy named mark merrill. but why i wish i could talk to the dead because i would ask and talk to my birth father about his life and addiction so i could better understand myself. 'what i do know about him was that he was a drunk. i would ask him what his relationship was with his family was like and how difficult was it to get his life together. I wish he could tell me more about our family history so i could better understand myself. the real reason that i wanted to talk to the dead was to be able to talk to my mom who died when i was 19. this for me would mean so much because i have a lot of guilty and remorse built into my moms death. this is going to start at the beginning so i don't miss anything for myself. i really don't know where to start because there is so much i feel i did to hurt her. i think i it all started when i started smoking pot at the end of my sophomore year.It went all down hill from there, my mom was always very generous and always make sure that i had money in my pocket. I i was always able to have money to buy that bag of pot to smoke and thats what was the breaking point for my addiction. I had full time jobs in high school and all my money went to my addiction. but i still used her more then i ever should. wile my addiction was at full force i became a very selfish person and really only cared about myself. I became very mean to her because of my selfish ways. when i went to college i was very in to the social scene. I had no time for her and she was at her greatest need. She past away before i ever had the chance to tell her how much i loved and cared about her. if i could talk to her now I would tell her how sorry i was

todays things i needed to do

today I had a very good meeting with my therapist trevor. we talk about different ways i can control my thoughts. because lately i have been having many unhappy thoughts that always seemed to turn my feelings and moods sour. but i convinced myself that i need to focus on the things i need to do and not let my thoughts get complicated. here is my list for today.

1. make bed - fold laundry
2. call sponsor - victor
3. my daily reflections in journal
4. shower - brush teeth
5. write letters-aunt amy
6. put Codwell ID on schedule
7. daily emailing and blogging
8. social security info
9. guitar session with will
10. get info for transcript
11. get address for codwell community college
12. do 4 sets of push ups/5 sets of the bar/4 sets of AB roller

these are the things that are keeping me busy today and keeping me out of trouble i know i could think of more useful things to-do. I'm having lots of trouble finding more things to do. some of the things that might not happen is a guitar session with will. even though i want to learn how to play the guitar its hard for me to get into it like will. I also procrastinate about writing letters to my family members. partly because its hard for me to find things to say. but I'm going to try my best to finish the one i started to aunt amy. I also need to Blog my third wish

daily schedual and stuff

to day i went to go get new cloths with chris and got some of the stuff i needed. recently i have been making a daily list and was told that i needed to write about what i did that day. here is my list for today.

1. make bed - laundry
2. call sponsor - victor
3. journal - daily reflections for AA
4. Shower - brush teeth
5. write letters - aunt suzan
6. Put ID card on schedule
7. emailing & blogging
8. guitar sesion with will
9. info on social security card
10. 5 sets of my weight bar work out/4 sets of roller abs/ three sets of push ups

these are the things i plan on doing to day and I'm usually pretty good about doing them some of of the things that i might not do is the push ups and the guitar session i will if i have time.